I have a tendency towards word vomit. I say what I don’t mean to say, say too much, elaborate too much, or share details that no one wants to hear. Or at least that’s how I feel whenever I leave whomever I was talking to.
Immediately all these thoughts pop in my head.
“You shouldn’t have said that.”
“You talked too much.”
“They’re not interested in what you have to say.”
“They don’t even like to talk to you; why don’t you just shut up?”
And the list goes on. The notable thing is that I usually only feel this way after spending time with other believers. Interesting, right? In any case, it literally makes me miserable. I end up so discouraged that I don’t even want to meet with my friends anymore. The tendency is to dwell on those thoughts until I believe them and then shy away from the people I love because hey, those people don’t even like to talk to me, right?
But in the end, I’m the only one who believes that. Have my friends ever given me the slightest indication that they don’t like me? No. Have they ever said anything to that effect? No. It’s all in my head. I’m the one who allows accusation to make me this self-conscious.
But you know what I’m realizing about self-consciousness? It’s just another form of self-centeredness–a deprecating form to be sure, but self-centeredness nonetheless. Why? Because every moment I spend dwelling on my supposed shortcomings and inadequacies is a moment spent thinking about myself. All the thoughts of this kind ultimately revolve around me, not others. Even my insecurities are born out of pride.
But what does God think about pride? His word says that pride brings disgrace (Proverbs 11.2), that it goes before destruction (Proverbs 16.18), and that it brings us low (Proverbs 29.23). Could this be true even in my own mind? Could it be that because I hold pride in my heart I have been disgraced, destroyed, and brought low in my own sight? Perhaps. Perhaps I think a lot of myself, so when I feel like I don’t perform to a certain standard, I pick myself apart. Pride.
But It’s not my desire to be prideful or self-centered. I don’t want to spend time thinking about me anymore. I want to be humble with a heart for others; to spend every moment thinking of how I can serve them and my God. I also want to see value in myself, not based on my own merit, but based on the blood of Christ. Can I do that? Not on my own.
It almost seems like several of my posts in the last month have been part of a series on insecurity. It’s something God is working out in me and I hope that He works it out in all of you too. The process is a painful one, but my prayer is that I will emerge from it closer to God and with a heart more like His Son’s.
In Love and Christ