Insecurity≠Humility

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I have a tendency towards word vomit. I say what I don’t mean to say, say too much, elaborate too much, or share details that no one wants to hear. Or at least that’s how I feel whenever I leave whomever I was talking to.

Immediately all these thoughts pop in my head.

“You shouldn’t have said that.

“You talked too much.”

“They’re not interested in what you have to say.”

“They don’t even like to talk to you; why don’t you just shut up?”

And the list goes on. The notable thing is that I usually only feel this way after spending time with other believers. Interesting, right? In any case, it literally makes me miserable. I end up so discouraged that I don’t even want to meet with my friends anymore.  The tendency is to dwell on those thoughts until I believe them and then shy away from the people I love because hey, those people don’t even like to talk to me, right?

But in the end, I’m the only one who believes that. Have my friends ever given me the slightest indication that they don’t like me? No. Have they ever said anything to that effect? No. It’s all in my head. I’m the one who allows accusation to make me this self-conscious.

But you know what I’m realizing about self-consciousness? It’s just another form of self-centeredness–a deprecating form to be sure, but self-centeredness nonetheless. Why? Because every moment I spend dwelling on my supposed shortcomings and inadequacies is a moment spent thinking about myself. All the thoughts of this kind ultimately revolve around me, not others. Even my insecurities are born out of pride.

But what does God think about pride? His word says that pride brings disgrace (Proverbs 11.2), that it goes before destruction (Proverbs 16.18), and that it brings us low (Proverbs 29.23). Could this be true even in my own mind? Could it be that because I hold pride in my heart I have been disgraced, destroyed, and brought low in my own sight? Perhaps. Perhaps I think a lot of myself, so when I feel like I don’t perform to a certain standard, I pick myself apart. Pride.

But It’s not my desire to be prideful or self-centered. I don’t want to spend time thinking about me anymore. I want to be humble with a heart for others; to spend every moment thinking of how I can serve them and my God. I also want to see value in myself, not based on my own merit, but based on the blood of Christ. Can I do that? Not on my own.

It almost seems like several of my posts in the last month have been part of a series on insecurity. It’s something God is working out in me and I hope that He works it out in all of you too. The process is a painful one, but my prayer is that I will emerge from it closer to God and with a heart more like His Son’s.

In Love and Christ
KC

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6 thoughts on “Insecurity≠Humility

  1. It’s like you’re in my head. I do the exact same thing. I also have my dad’s tendency to say the same thing from 5 different angles before I finally shut up. I’m gonna make SURE you know where I’m coming from! Haha!

    I encourage you to allow yourself a little grace in this area. When we dwell on those areas of insecurity there’s no doubt that it can produce pride. But I firmly believe that self-consciousness can also teach us humility. Without that awareness, I have no impetus to change.

    Interestingly enough God has surrounded me with friends and family who are quiet, shy and who listen well. For a long time I was more than content to talk their ear off, always regretting it when I walked away. But God has used that regret to make me very conscious in the present — making me pause and get quiet, giving the other person room to speak. There isn’t awkward silence for long. My shy, quiet friends, when given space, often say some very profound and valuable things. I’m still learning, rattling off at the mouth from time to time. But I see progress – balance is being reached. And that’s encouraging.

    I’m not sure it will ever come naturally for me to shut up. Which is why I am grateful for self-consciousness. Where it once used to make feel condemned, now it’s a beautiful tool God is using in my redemption.

    This is so good Kharis. Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing these beautiful words… and as a sidenote – I have never walked away from a conversation with you thinking you’ve talked too much. You are a JOY to fellowship with.

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    • You’re so sweet! I feel the same way about you. Wish we could have been at Luke and Emily’s to see you and your sweet sister!

      I think I’m getting better. I also think a lot of my self-consciousness comes from how I used to talk before I was saved. I really do think people didn’t like to hear me talk then because I was constantly sarcastic and mean, not to mention overbearing. But The Lord has brought me a long way since then!

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  2. Kharis, you have been so encouraging to me! For the record i really enjoy hanging out with you and I really look forward to reading your posts and seeing what you have to say and what The Lord puts on your heart. I find that most of the time He speaks to me through your words!

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  3. Excellent post Kharis! You are NOT the only one who has struggled with this. I think we all do at some point and time. Even men do, although we would probably prefer not to admit it. God is using you to minister on your blog. Love your heart! We don’t always get our way, but God is good! Keep plowing! The Harvest is near!

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